So, my guess is that my "Toby" post is not so unknown anymore and that perhaps I should make one thing clear. It was 1 AM when I wrote that, I was tired and angry. Therefore, bloody honest but not really thinking about the possible impact it would have. Yes, I was aware that Cape was reading my blog, but I didn't start the paragraph by saying "Toby is a jerk". I started by saying that I would talk about the whole Toby affair. Now, anyone who knows me knew from the beginning that i was on Jody's side, therefore would have known that what I would say wouldn't be nice. It perhaps still doesn't excuse what I wrote, but so far only one person complained to me. Even a GM read what I wrote and he never told me that I should delete that post. Anyway, enough with my excuses. I kinda regret what I wrote and what I said, but what is done is done and that post will not be deleted (it was a major publicity for my blog anyway).
You also might have noticed that I didn't wrote an entire post kicking on the RPO trio (yes, they are sometime mentioned, but just can't resist) and it wasn't because someone asked me not to. Just had better things to write about. Only did a paragraph (or a post, I don't remember) on one of them who asked me to not say my opinion or, as I see it, to basically shut up. I happen to exaggerate stuff when I'm angry, and what I said to Tyler was basically because he was wondering why I wasn't hanging around WoH anymore. I didn't started the conversation by "Cape told me to shut up". And I should definitely organize my ideas before writing... (I can't stay serious). Anyway, basically, all I want to say is that I told my version of the truth (I don't keep logs and anyone who had a psychology class knows that memory has a tendency to modify what we remember, usually exaggerating it) and perhaps exaggerated reality, but, for me, as I said before, if someone asks me to not state my opinion to do them a favor, I'll basically see it as someone asking me to shut up.
I must admit that I'm glad that Tam and George didn't delete me from their list, even if I would have understood if they had done it. After all, I wasn't perfect at all in the whole thing, perhaps claiming a bit too much my opinion. But this is who I am and I can't deny it. As Claik told me, when you don't know me, I look like a shy and reserved girl... but once you learn to know me, the mask falls and I show off that I'm loud and say my opinions without thinking usually.
Ok, now on the thing that some loves to bring up back from the archives to shove in my face: the "For Anq" post. Yes, I remember that I promised I would never heart her ON PURPOSE and that was so not the intention of the "Toby" post. I was aware she would probably read it and that is why I started smoothly, so that if she didn't want to read what I had to say, she could just stop. Clearly, it wasn't enough. Next time, I'll write: WARNING! This paragraph/post may contain some stuff that might shock. Readers discretion is advised. Anyway, this promise was made a long time ago and, like any normal human, I had no idea what the future would be like. It is also a lesson learned the hard way to teach me I shouldn't promise anything that I'm not a 100% sure that I'll be able to stick to it.
Twice I had to see someone mentioning "loyalty"... basically saying "After all Jody did to you and cape did for you, you decided to be loyal to Jody" This wasn't a question of loyalty to anyone. This was a question of values and RL experience. This is the only time when I'm gonna mention my RL. What happened to Jody happened to me when I was 13. People turning against me, lying to me when I was asking them what I had done. When some were telling that this wasn't my fight, it kinda made me laugh, since I once had to deal with something similar. Why did I defend Jody? Because I decided to do something I would have loved to see someone do for me: stand up for the one that is left alone instead of staying with the majority and ignore the whole damn thing. I knew what I was getting into and what I was risking, but a friend needed someone, and I decided to be there. In other words, I was loyal to myself.
So yeah, this is basically me trying to say that I'm sorry even if I suck at that. No one was perfect, and I am quite aware that at some point, no one was a victim anymore. We all defended ourselves by anyway we could, being horribly honest and blunt in my case. I'm also aware that this post is perhaps not as perfect as the comment Jody wrote, but Jody is Jody and I am me. I basically suck at writing emotional stuff, especially since sarcasm seems to have become a 2nd nature in me. So yeah, take it for what it's worth and I'm not asking for forgiveness nor asking to have my place back in some friends list, just to accept who I am and move on with life.
Oh, and one last thing. If anyone mentions to me the "Toby" post or, worse, the "For Anq" post, I will only say "You live in the past mate. It's time to start living in the present".
Hope to see you all in H:NB
Cath/Catherine/Charlotte (which reminds me I should go put my application in the mailbox...)
No comments:
Post a Comment